{ inbox } ethyraia

[nonscriptum]

@indy
This is Nate. Leave a message.

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Good thing you've got a lot of bunker experience, huh?

I don't really know what I can contribute, I'm more of a "break things" person than a "build things" one, but we can do some brainstorming. We're not hurting for time. How big are you thinking?

[wittingly]

No kidding. I've been training for this moment.

That's actually kind of where I wanted your input. Honestly, kitchen and bathroom aren't in my phase 1. I think we're all ready to get some privacy as soon as possible, so living and sleeping spaces are top priority. We can work on the rest after that.

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Ok, but 'we' is kind of vague. Who's we?

[wittingly]

you, me, and Lance. I figured it was kind of a safe bet that he'd stick with us.

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aww a frat house for nerds :)

[wittingly]

Exactly.

Or a retreat for introverts who need some goddamn solitude to function efficiently.

1/3

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All right, good point. So were you thinking a dorm room kind of situation with a communal living space, or what? I guess we could make a communal sleeping area too

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wait

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this is because we can't screw around, isn't it?

[wittingly]

How dare you imply that


That's only like 50% of my motivation

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Way to bury the lede, Ian

So you want separate rooms in case you snore and it makes me want to tear my ears off?
or like
I mean we could share a room
but we haven't really talked about that and I know you value your space
I guess it comes down to whatever is easiest for you to engineer?

[wittingly]

I definitely don't snore, and I can move more dirt in a minute than a backhoe. It's not a problem either way, so if you have a preference

[nonscriptum]

I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to sleep with you, because I like having you there. I do think we’d run into some friction in terms of sharing a workspace, though, because I kind of work most effectively in what a well meaning therapist might call “controlled chaos”

Is there a reason you’re not telling me your preference?

[wittingly]

Honestly? Because I'm overthinking it and I convinced myself there's a wrong answer.

I like sleeping with you, too.

For the record, no way is any workspace going anywhere near a bedroom. I'll make two in case the buzz saw snoring makes you want to tear your ears off.

That's a priority lower than "have some place to sleep asap" though, so kind of a phase 2 add-on.

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[ Nate doesn't have to wonder too hard about "overthinking it," about the "wrong answer," because he's been in that exact position one too many times to really count them all. Afraid of wanting too much or too little, afraid of being presumptuous or being too callous if he didn't feel the same way - or someone didn't feel the same way about him.

For once he feels like he might actually have the emotional bandwidth and capacity to read the situation instead of making guesses in the dark. ]

You're worried about the "move in together" factor, aren't you?

[wittingly]

Yeah maybe a little
is THAT a wrong answer?

( The tug-o-war going on in his head right now probably exactly matches what Nate is thinking. Is he coming on too strong, does he seem too aloof? Fifty other fucking things all at once. )

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There's no wrong answer when it's how you feel about something. If it freaks you out, it freaks you out.

I don't want to sound like I'm giving you unsolicited advice but you don't have to force it to try and get over it if you're not ready, that's always gonna turn out bad

How I react to that is my own thing to deal with, I'm never going to be upset with you for being honest

[wittingly]

No no no, I'm not forcing anything, I'm not making myself do it, that's exactly what I was trying to not seem like I was doing
while
also not pressuring you and making YOU feel forced into doing it because if you didn't want to and you thought I was really gunning for it, it would get
awkward

It's neither of those things, which I guess kind of looks like both of those things if you're being weird about it, so I was trying not to be that, too

nailing it

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Ian, I had a mortgage back in New Orleans, so I'm not going to lose my mind over a communal sod house in the far-flung future of an alien planet

If you want to make three separate bedrooms where we sometimes share a bed, that's fine. If you want to make two where we always share a bed, that's fine too. I'm so unbelievably flexible on this that I want to make sure you actually get it.

No overthinking, no twisting yourself into a knot, what makes YOU comfortable?

[wittingly]

Well first and foremost what makes me comfortable is you knowing this is gonna be way fucking cooler than a communal sod house and now I'm drawing up plans for a starbucks and a day spa just to prove it

second of all

I want to sleep with you. Like, actual sleep. Not just sleep with you. If you want to.

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Whoa slow down a Starbucks? In THIS economy?

seriously though
I also want that.

[wittingly]

Okay
Cool
You're probably right about the starbucks though. At least until I learn to duplicate coffee.


Don't let my hilarious wit detract from the sincerity of the moment. It's a whole moment. I'm totally in the moment with you, I'm just bad at it.

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I know you don't like talking about this stuff. I'm not exactly the poster boy for emotional honesty

but I'm here, you know? I'm still me

[ He's not a different Nate just because they have a different label. ]

[wittingly]

I know, it's just
We used to have the cheat code, it helped me keep that whole insane spiral thing in check. Now without it I'm just filling in stuff you're probably not even thinking about thinking.
Can't lie, it was nice when you could kind of just shortcut my poor communication skills and difficulty saying things I need to figure out how to say to you

Like right now, kind of, but with a little more pablo neruda

( pls observe: he is doing an Attempt right now )

[nonscriptum]

[ Nate sort of wishes they were talking in person, because he's fairly certain that he'd be much better at it face to face than over the phone. But maybe that's what Ian needs: the distance, to make the reaching out feel less fraught. He's being honest in a way he hasn't been before, and that alone is...big.

That it's not so dissimilar from how Nate has felt is reassuring. ]

If I'm being honest, I miss that too.
I kind of worry sometimes that because I can't tell what you're thinking anymore, I can't tell what you need.

I know it's stupid, because we knew each other a while before we used it.
as it turns out I'm not very good at this either