I know, it's just We used to have the cheat code, it helped me keep that whole insane spiral thing in check. Now without it I'm just filling in stuff you're probably not even thinking about thinking. Can't lie, it was nice when you could kind of just shortcut my poor communication skills and difficulty saying things I need to figure out how to say to you
Like right now, kind of, but with a little more pablo neruda
[ Nate sort of wishes they were talking in person, because he's fairly certain that he'd be much better at it face to face than over the phone. But maybe that's what Ian needs: the distance, to make the reaching out feel less fraught. He's being honest in a way he hasn't been before, and that alone is...big.
That it's not so dissimilar from how Nate has felt is reassuring. ]
If I'm being honest, I miss that too. I kind of worry sometimes that because I can't tell what you're thinking anymore, I can't tell what you need.
I know it's stupid, because we knew each other a while before we used it. as it turns out I'm not very good at this either
( Is it easier to do over text? Yeah, probably. Breaking up with people was easier over text, too. It stands to reason he should probably do the exact opposite of what he'd do for ghosting somebody if it's a relationship he's trying to build.
But yeah, it's a little bit more than he has in him to suggest it or bring attention to it. This already feels like a lot, and he couldn't say for sure if he'd struggle more or less that way. At least he gets to read and re-read and re-re-read what he's trying to say before he sends it. You can't delete words in person. )
Honestly man, most of the time I don't even know what I need, and if I do I don't know how to tell you. I don't even know if what I think I need is what I actually need or it's just what feels the easiest. I'm sorry you're on the other side of it, it's not fair, and I know. That's probably part of why I end up thinking myself in circles trying to get it right.
I don't really give a shit about what I need, and if I'm not worried about it you definitely shouldn't be worried about giving it to me. What I do give a shit about is not fucking up. Maybe what I need is just for you to promise to tell me if I ever start doing that, so I can use that to stop quadruple-guessing myself.
And you're really, really good at this as far as I'm concerned.
[ Thank God, it's actually sincere. It's a little ramble-y and clearly a reflection of how Ian is doing juggling this, but it's also something Nate knows really, really well. The desperate need to do things the right way without knowing what that way looks like, or how to get there. ]
Hey, I'm not blaming you or anything, you don't need to apologize. If it feels like something is wrong in the future I'll just make a point of addressing it, ok? But for the record, your needs are important to me.
short term, I need to find a place here where I fit long term, I'll settle for talking more about stuff that bothers us? Hard ask, I know
( Sincere and ramble-y tend to go hand-in-hand with Ian. He keeps himself in check externally to an excessive degree, and never really reflects the amount of over-thinking going on behind the scenes. As soon as you strip out the filter, all those thoughts come tumbling out at once. It never feels simple, almost nothing is ever simple for him. It's analyzing the situation from different perspectives constantly.
In college, one of his favorite teachers gave him advice he's been applying ever since — maybe before, without realizing it:
When you're building something, imagine that it's broken and try to reverse-engineer what went wrong. This will allow you to consider the potential weak points in your design.
Unfortunately, he takes that a few steps too far and applies it to all areas in life. Even, and sometimes especially, the places it shouldn't be applied. )
I know you're not blaming me, I'm blaming me, but it's okay. I'll work on it.
I'm willing to talk about it. I'm just not great at the getting to the talking part. I'm actually really, really terrible at the getting to the talking part. I don't know what it is, but I'll try to figure that out, too. In the meantime, maybe there needs to be like a system or a code word or a check-in shortcut that isn't a big deal or something I don't know I don't even know what I'm saying. That's not a thing people do. Jesus Christ.
( He's slamming that send button before he even reads it this time, because he knows himself well enough to know he'd probably delete the whole damn thing and send back something more shut off. )
No pressure. I said long term, remember? Rome wasn't built in a day.
[ The implication being that he doesn't intend to go anywhere anytime soon. This is already more than he anticipated getting out of this conversation. ]
We can do a code word. [ A soft voice, a pointy elbow nudging his side: Nate? Where are you? ] You want me to ask you how the weather is?
( He's picking up on that implication. It's hitting him somewhere, probably a little too hard. Kind of glad there isn't an empathy bond to embarrass the hell out of him for it. )
That could work. Cloudy, stormy, sunny. Whatever the fuck snow would be.
What if you want to know about the actual weather? It's gonna be a who's on first what's on second thing, isn't it?
[ It's a passable system, something to tide them over. Nate has had his fair share of translations from gestures or subtle sentences, things that made the transition to speaking a much easier thing to practice. Eventually.
He remembers how long it took him. To expect faster progress of Ian would be a fool's errand. ]
Come up with a little shorthand dictionary for me, ok? The difference between annoyed but wanting company, and annoyed but not wanting company. Pissed off. Happy. Horny. Whatever.
Fuck, sorry, I didn't even notice I was doing it It seriously isn't a big deal, I swear. Just a weird one. I'm pretty sure you were trying to make this sincere gesture kind of thing and I couldn't really figure out how to Lock it in That's probably not a thing I couldn't figure out the right way to answer it. Not in a 'there's a wrong answer' way, just a I don't know, man, I couldn't figure out how to meet you there and I fucked up a little in the process and there was this whole
thing that wasn't really a thing, it was just me making it a thing and then trying to make it less of a thing It was just this weird stupid moment
I just meant it would have been awesome to have like a "low humidty over here Walt, back to you" so I could shut the fuck up
( And he is so, so tempted to throw out a 'regret it yet?' joke, or something else to distract from the mild embarrassment that follows showing off the insane way his brain works. Hard not to over-emphasize how innocuous he knows it actually was. )
[ Like, at all. There's a lot of convoluted logic twisting around in there, things that make Nate wonder how Ian's gotten this far and managed to stay as put-together as he seems to look, but then it shouldn't be all that shocking.
Nate was the same goddamn way, once. Still is at times. ]
I'll try and figure out a way to bring things to your attention sooner, but you gotta return the favor
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nonscriptum) wrote2021-05-14 10:11 am
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but I'm here, you know? I'm still me
[ He's not a different Nate just because they have a different label. ]
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We used to have the cheat code, it helped me keep that whole insane spiral thing in check. Now without it I'm just filling in stuff you're probably not even thinking about thinking.
Can't lie, it was nice when you could kind of just shortcut my poor communication skills and difficulty saying things I need to figure out how to say to you
Like right now, kind of, but with a little more pablo neruda
( pls observe: he is doing an Attempt right now )
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That it's not so dissimilar from how Nate has felt is reassuring. ]
If I'm being honest, I miss that too.
I kind of worry sometimes that because I can't tell what you're thinking anymore, I can't tell what you need.
I know it's stupid, because we knew each other a while before we used it.
as it turns out I'm not very good at this either
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But yeah, it's a little bit more than he has in him to suggest it or bring attention to it. This already feels like a lot, and he couldn't say for sure if he'd struggle more or less that way. At least he gets to read and re-read and re-re-read what he's trying to say before he sends it. You can't delete words in person. )
Honestly man, most of the time I don't even know what I need, and if I do I don't know how to tell you. I don't even know if what I think I need is what I actually need or it's just what feels the easiest. I'm sorry you're on the other side of it, it's not fair, and I know. That's probably part of why I end up thinking myself in circles trying to get it right.
I don't really give a shit about what I need, and if I'm not worried about it you definitely shouldn't be worried about giving it to me. What I do give a shit about is not fucking up. Maybe what I need is just for you to promise to tell me if I ever start doing that, so I can use that to stop quadruple-guessing myself.
And you're really, really good at this as far as I'm concerned.
What do YOU need?
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Hey, I'm not blaming you or anything, you don't need to apologize. If it feels like something is wrong in the future I'll just make a point of addressing it, ok? But for the record, your needs are important to me.
short term, I need to find a place here where I fit
long term, I'll settle for talking more about stuff that bothers us? Hard ask, I know
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In college, one of his favorite teachers gave him advice he's been applying ever since — maybe before, without realizing it:
When you're building something, imagine that it's broken and try to reverse-engineer what went wrong. This will allow you to consider the potential weak points in your design.
Unfortunately, he takes that a few steps too far and applies it to all areas in life. Even, and sometimes especially, the places it shouldn't be applied. )
I know you're not blaming me, I'm blaming me, but it's okay. I'll work on it.
I'm willing to talk about it. I'm just not great at the getting to the talking part. I'm actually really, really terrible at the getting to the talking part. I don't know what it is, but I'll try to figure that out, too. In the meantime, maybe there needs to be like a system or a code word or a check-in shortcut that isn't a big deal or something
I don't know
I don't even know what I'm saying. That's not a thing people do. Jesus Christ.
( He's slamming that send button before he even reads it this time, because he knows himself well enough to know he'd probably delete the whole damn thing and send back something more shut off. )
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[ The implication being that he doesn't intend to go anywhere anytime soon. This is already more than he anticipated getting out of this conversation. ]
We can do a code word. [ A soft voice, a pointy elbow nudging his side: Nate? Where are you? ] You want me to ask you how the weather is?
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That could work.
Cloudy, stormy, sunny. Whatever the fuck snow would be.
What if you want to know about the actual weather? It's gonna be a who's on first what's on second thing, isn't it?
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[ It's a passable system, something to tide them over. Nate has had his fair share of translations from gestures or subtle sentences, things that made the transition to speaking a much easier thing to practice. Eventually.
He remembers how long it took him. To expect faster progress of Ian would be a fool's errand. ]
Come up with a little shorthand dictionary for me, ok? The difference between annoyed but wanting company, and annoyed but not wanting company. Pissed off. Happy. Horny. Whatever.
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[ Fuck. ]
I'm sorry
about that
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You don't have to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong
That was me being way too me, it's not a big deal
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Cmon, man. I pulled that exact shit on you and didn't think about it.
Tell me. Please
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It seriously isn't a big deal, I swear. Just a weird one. I'm pretty sure you were trying to make this sincere gesture kind of thing and I couldn't really figure out how to
Lock it in
That's probably not a thing
I couldn't figure out the right way to answer it. Not in a 'there's a wrong answer' way, just a
I don't know, man, I couldn't figure out how to meet you there and I fucked up a little in the process and there was this whole
thing that wasn't really a thing, it was just me making it a thing and then trying to make it less of a thing
It was just this weird stupid
moment
I just meant it would have been awesome to have like a "low humidty over here Walt, back to you" so I could shut the fuck up
( And he is so, so tempted to throw out a 'regret it yet?' joke, or something else to distract from the mild embarrassment that follows showing off the insane way his brain works. Hard not to over-emphasize how innocuous he knows it actually was. )
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[ Like, at all. There's a lot of convoluted logic twisting around in there, things that make Nate wonder how Ian's gotten this far and managed to stay as put-together as he seems to look, but then it shouldn't be all that shocking.
Nate was the same goddamn way, once. Still is at times. ]
I'll try and figure out a way to bring things to your attention sooner, but you gotta return the favor
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Okay
I can do that
I look forward to living with you in a hole in the ground proactively talking about our problems
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