[He looks up again when Nate starts talking, his difficulty finding the right thing to say apparent and it only makes it mean more that he's trying. Even as muted as everything feels for Lance right now, how grateful he is to know Nate still makes it through the numbness and the haze.
And he listens, and tries to believe in what Nate's telling him. It helps that it's something he's recognized himself, when he's having one of his better days, and is able to more confidently assess the situation the way he would've at home. But on bad days, which have become more of the norm, it's so much more difficult to not begin to believe that maybe he's the common denominator in all of this.
And there's another reason that's so tempting, not just because it's an old habit, and he hesitates a few moments as he tries to decide how honest to be. Nate's hand on his shoulder is reassuring, though, and encouraging, and finally he admits--]
If it's me, then there's something I can do about it.
[But if it's not, then the situation is totally out of his control. It just becomes a matter of waiting for the worst to happen, and that's what he hates; that's what reminds him of the worst time in his life, and makes him feel like he's stuck in this cycle he only thought he'd escaped.
But at the same time, when he's able to see the situation more clearly, knowing that it isn't his fault is also freeing in a way. He isn't doing anything wrong. There might be challenges and obstacles that he'll have to overcome in the form of these awful people and what they do, but it's not as though anything in his life has ever been easy. He can deal with challenges, especially if he's able to take a step back and recognize them for what they truly are.
And on that subject--]
But you're right. You're right, I just... I wanted to believe better of them.
[He'd wanted to hold onto his initial opinion of this place, that it's so much easier than Hadriel, in part because of the people. They had seemed, at first, to be so willing to care. But he can see that that only lasts as long as they think people will fall into line, and that's just how it is.]
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And he listens, and tries to believe in what Nate's telling him. It helps that it's something he's recognized himself, when he's having one of his better days, and is able to more confidently assess the situation the way he would've at home. But on bad days, which have become more of the norm, it's so much more difficult to not begin to believe that maybe he's the common denominator in all of this.
And there's another reason that's so tempting, not just because it's an old habit, and he hesitates a few moments as he tries to decide how honest to be. Nate's hand on his shoulder is reassuring, though, and encouraging, and finally he admits--]
If it's me, then there's something I can do about it.
[But if it's not, then the situation is totally out of his control. It just becomes a matter of waiting for the worst to happen, and that's what he hates; that's what reminds him of the worst time in his life, and makes him feel like he's stuck in this cycle he only thought he'd escaped.
But at the same time, when he's able to see the situation more clearly, knowing that it isn't his fault is also freeing in a way. He isn't doing anything wrong. There might be challenges and obstacles that he'll have to overcome in the form of these awful people and what they do, but it's not as though anything in his life has ever been easy. He can deal with challenges, especially if he's able to take a step back and recognize them for what they truly are.
And on that subject--]
But you're right. You're right, I just... I wanted to believe better of them.
[He'd wanted to hold onto his initial opinion of this place, that it's so much easier than Hadriel, in part because of the people. They had seemed, at first, to be so willing to care. But he can see that that only lasts as long as they think people will fall into line, and that's just how it is.]