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[Lance has given it the week, trying not to fret over Nate in the meantime, but now--]
Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk, but if you do, I'm always here.
Hey. I know you probably don't want to talk, but if you do, I'm always here.
man, i'm just tired.
we never got to talk about shit because i was a coward and didn't want to chase him off. i didn't push because i didn't know how long it would last.
we never got to talk about shit because i was a coward and didn't want to chase him off. i didn't push because i didn't know how long it would last.
You're not a coward. You just chose to enjoy the time you had with him, and that's okay.
i guess.
i just wanted enough time to forgive him.
i just wanted enough time to forgive him.
Forgiving him is still something you can do, if you decide you want to. It's something that often feels like it requires the other person, but it doesn't; it's one of those things that's entirely about how you feel. Sometimes talking to the other person helps, if they're able to give you answers you need, but sometimes they can't do that even if you have the opportunity to talk to them.
yeah, you're right.
[ Lance is usually right, not that Nate is going to admit as much and bolster his ego right now. ]
i think i'm just tired of running into walls here, same as you. and losing someone i just started to take for granted again is
let's just say you better not disappear next.
[ Lance is usually right, not that Nate is going to admit as much and bolster his ego right now. ]
i think i'm just tired of running into walls here, same as you. and losing someone i just started to take for granted again is
let's just say you better not disappear next.
Yeah, it's exhausting.
I don't plan on it, but that goes for you too.
I don't plan on it, but that goes for you too.
( There's another soft spark of pleasure -- that Nate feels charmed, that the appeal is undeniably written in what's rolling off of him. He doesn't get to spend much time basking in smugness, not when the same shock Nate feels passes straight down Ian's spine and unfurls low in his belly. A similar feeling echoes back, warm and sweet and sharp.
He breathes a laugh into the scarce few inches between their mouths. )
Good.
( He'd be worried if you could concentrate on anything else right now. His palms stray down to either side of Nate's waist, planting themselves firmly and gently tugging them forward.
Connected as they are, it's impossible to miss that he's delighted by teasing, by the reaction he gets out of it. Clear as hell that's the motivator that has him nudging in a little more, dipping in a little farther to almost-barely-kinda-sorta graze Nate's top lip with his. Not quite enough to catch a kiss. )
He breathes a laugh into the scarce few inches between their mouths. )
Good.
( He'd be worried if you could concentrate on anything else right now. His palms stray down to either side of Nate's waist, planting themselves firmly and gently tugging them forward.
Connected as they are, it's impossible to miss that he's delighted by teasing, by the reaction he gets out of it. Clear as hell that's the motivator that has him nudging in a little more, dipping in a little farther to almost-barely-kinda-sorta graze Nate's top lip with his. Not quite enough to catch a kiss. )
[ It's something Nate should have remembered from their time in the Aerie, how much of a goddamn tease Ian Fowler is and how much he likes to torment Nate, specifically. It sort of feels like the guy is reveling in it a little too much based on what passes through him and into Nate and he's hard-pressed not to push, waiting for permission, waiting for a sign so it doesn't end up looking like he always, always takes.
He's a thief, but he's not a dick.
Ian's mouth barely grazes his and Nate chases it helplessly, a really easy fish after the world's most obvious lure. In retaliation his grip tightens and he rolls his hips, left hanging like the absolutely pathetic fool he is. ]
C'mon-
He's a thief, but he's not a dick.
Ian's mouth barely grazes his and Nate chases it helplessly, a really easy fish after the world's most obvious lure. In retaliation his grip tightens and he rolls his hips, left hanging like the absolutely pathetic fool he is. ]
C'mon-
( Well that's a successful retaliation. Only takes one roll of the hips to notice Ian's plenty hard between them; the pressure and friction sends a quick flush of pleasure-excitement through his skin and into Nate's. The spike of want is clear, but so is the swell of giddiness and amusement.
Yep, sorry, that's something that transcends the Aerie - even though he's mainly being that guy right now. Ian, regardless of the version, gets off just a little on tormenting him. His impatience and frustration add to that densely forming mass of momentum in him. Another laugh slips from his throat in stuttered breaths, a little more audible this time. )
Why? Are you in a hurry?
( Just an offhand, too-casual question as he noses his way up Nate's cheekbone and back again. Nothing to see here.
Another quick dip, this time just to nip at Nate's lower lip once. )
Yep, sorry, that's something that transcends the Aerie - even though he's mainly being that guy right now. Ian, regardless of the version, gets off just a little on tormenting him. His impatience and frustration add to that densely forming mass of momentum in him. Another laugh slips from his throat in stuttered breaths, a little more audible this time. )
Why? Are you in a hurry?
( Just an offhand, too-casual question as he noses his way up Nate's cheekbone and back again. Nothing to see here.
Another quick dip, this time just to nip at Nate's lower lip once. )
[ Oh, this motherfucker.
It's the kind of taunting Nate pulls and it's so easy to turn around on him, particularly when he's not helpless to begin with. He's a six foot, one inch tall man for Chrissakes, who can run on fumes for days and lift his own not inconsiderable muscle mass up sheer rock faces for hours at a time, he doesn't need to take this pressed against the cold tile, he could easily roll over and trade places.
But he's still feeling out the territory. Still doesn't know what's allowed and what isn't and whether he should experiment or just go with the flow, but he's hard and Ian's hard and the loop of getting a shiver from Ian, passing it back, receiving it again - it makes him dizzy with impatience. ]
No.
[ He breathes, voice rough with restraint, wresting back control by the millimeter as one hand coasts slick and smooth down Ian's shoulder blades, his side. Nate worms it between them, getting a firm grip around him with his fist. ]
You just turn me on.
It's the kind of taunting Nate pulls and it's so easy to turn around on him, particularly when he's not helpless to begin with. He's a six foot, one inch tall man for Chrissakes, who can run on fumes for days and lift his own not inconsiderable muscle mass up sheer rock faces for hours at a time, he doesn't need to take this pressed against the cold tile, he could easily roll over and trade places.
But he's still feeling out the territory. Still doesn't know what's allowed and what isn't and whether he should experiment or just go with the flow, but he's hard and Ian's hard and the loop of getting a shiver from Ian, passing it back, receiving it again - it makes him dizzy with impatience. ]
No.
[ He breathes, voice rough with restraint, wresting back control by the millimeter as one hand coasts slick and smooth down Ian's shoulder blades, his side. Nate worms it between them, getting a firm grip around him with his fist. ]
You just turn me on.
( God only knows how long he'd drag it out, maybe not much longer, jury's out. He likes the build-up, he likes the game, he likes everything he's getting from Nate and knowing exactly what that is when it happens. He fucking loves the back and forth of heat that just keeps sending pulses of feeling through him, so odds are it'd be at least a little longer.
And then Nate goes and says that, and wraps a hand around him, and his brain short circuits with an audible click coming from the back of his throat. Just a pointless, meaningless; )
Kk-
( Quickly followed by a sharp flood of breath rushing out of his lungs.
Congratulations, you win, all thoughts of teasing are immediately gone. It feels so good it's kind of sharp, and Nate's rewarded for his decision with Ian finally ducking in to catch his lips in a real and proper kiss. )
And then Nate goes and says that, and wraps a hand around him, and his brain short circuits with an audible click coming from the back of his throat. Just a pointless, meaningless; )
Kk-
( Quickly followed by a sharp flood of breath rushing out of his lungs.
Congratulations, you win, all thoughts of teasing are immediately gone. It feels so good it's kind of sharp, and Nate's rewarded for his decision with Ian finally ducking in to catch his lips in a real and proper kiss. )
[ That's satisfying. That sound of arrested breath, like it catches too short, too fast in his lungs, and Ian exhales in a way that softens the connection. Nate wanted something cushioned by time and care and this is not that, it's sharp and fun and honestly- a little bit too much like the Aerie in a way that would feel disingenuous if he wasn't so horny.
He's grinning when Ian finally kisses him, teeth knocking and slanting awkwardly and Nate laughs into his mouth, not out of the thrill of catching him out so effectively but because he feels the same jab of want, like a stitch in his side. A good hurt.
Muscle memory sinks in again and he he squeezes gently, rolling his thumb, adding a little much-needed friction to see what kind of sounds he can wring out of him. A conversation, rather than a competition. ]
He's grinning when Ian finally kisses him, teeth knocking and slanting awkwardly and Nate laughs into his mouth, not out of the thrill of catching him out so effectively but because he feels the same jab of want, like a stitch in his side. A good hurt.
Muscle memory sinks in again and he he squeezes gently, rolling his thumb, adding a little much-needed friction to see what kind of sounds he can wring out of him. A conversation, rather than a competition. ]
( See, and that's the goal, isn't it? Nate's horny, things are staying light, they're not bogged down by the neurotic mess that is Ian's internal monologue, and nobody gets hurt. Nate laughs, and it feels like direct affirmation that he's doing this right. It's satisfying the way fixing something is satisfying.
He pulses heavy and hard in Nate's hand, and he channels the feeling into a shaky exhale he mutes down to something just audible enough to show that it's right, that it's good. Muffled but encouraging. He pulls away from Nate's mouth to tuck that sound into his neck, the stretch of skin between shoulder and ear. In the Aerie, he cataloged all the things that could pull a reaction out of Nate. He's got a route mapped out in his head, a course from this point to the end point with three or four branches splitting off as potential deviations.
All of it starts with warm, open-mouthed kissing along his neck, down his throat. Easy, guaranteed, not even a question, the correct answer. He's had an excellently practiced technique even before the Aerie's experience helping him nail down what Nate likes -- he knows the right combination of gentle suction, of softly passing lips, of slightly harder teeth. A well-choreographed dance, an almost exact science based on a dozen previous partners and modified to fit the unique element that is Nate's preferences. )
He pulses heavy and hard in Nate's hand, and he channels the feeling into a shaky exhale he mutes down to something just audible enough to show that it's right, that it's good. Muffled but encouraging. He pulls away from Nate's mouth to tuck that sound into his neck, the stretch of skin between shoulder and ear. In the Aerie, he cataloged all the things that could pull a reaction out of Nate. He's got a route mapped out in his head, a course from this point to the end point with three or four branches splitting off as potential deviations.
All of it starts with warm, open-mouthed kissing along his neck, down his throat. Easy, guaranteed, not even a question, the correct answer. He's had an excellently practiced technique even before the Aerie's experience helping him nail down what Nate likes -- he knows the right combination of gentle suction, of softly passing lips, of slightly harder teeth. A well-choreographed dance, an almost exact science based on a dozen previous partners and modified to fit the unique element that is Nate's preferences. )
[ Nate's grin widens at the small, stunted sound that escapes Ian before he decides to shift and duck his head, keeping busy. It's warm and softly scratchy, something that makes him hum pleasantly, careful nipping that has his eyes lidding. For all intents and purposes it's what he likes, pretty much to a T, enough pressure and proximity to ratchet things higher, but that's the problem.
It's perfect.
...and there it is again. A kind of static, like a mental block, or a curtain he doesn't entirely know how to push aside. Experiencing it firsthand is really weird and distracting knowing how it felt to have an open connection, to see and sense everything Ian did, to breathe him in fully. The fuzzy vaseline lens of an old movie, rainwater pelting a window.
Very suddenly Nate tenses, which is perhaps not the best thing a guy can do when handling someone else's dick but he does it all the same. Brow furrowed he opens his mouth, closes it, can't stay fucking silent- ]
What are you doing?
It's perfect.
...and there it is again. A kind of static, like a mental block, or a curtain he doesn't entirely know how to push aside. Experiencing it firsthand is really weird and distracting knowing how it felt to have an open connection, to see and sense everything Ian did, to breathe him in fully. The fuzzy vaseline lens of an old movie, rainwater pelting a window.
Very suddenly Nate tenses, which is perhaps not the best thing a guy can do when handling someone else's dick but he does it all the same. Brow furrowed he opens his mouth, closes it, can't stay fucking silent- ]
What are you doing?
( He gets a split-second of warning through the bond. That weird sudden awareness that Nate feels, passing straight through his skin into Ian's. That's the only reason he isn't outright startled when Nate freezes up, but there's no fully fending off the little slip of confusion and tiny flit of nerves that he smooths over quickly with that static blanket. )
Um.
( Sorry, give him a second, there's a hand around his dick and he was kind of mapping out a voyage in his brain that involved a lot of nudity. It takes him a second to switch gears. )
Filing... my taxes?
( Breathy-amused, coupled with a kind of pointed look down between their bodies for a second.
What does it look like he's doing, man? )
Um.
( Sorry, give him a second, there's a hand around his dick and he was kind of mapping out a voyage in his brain that involved a lot of nudity. It takes him a second to switch gears. )
Filing... my taxes?
( Breathy-amused, coupled with a kind of pointed look down between their bodies for a second.
What does it look like he's doing, man? )
You're- like...off.
[ Nate says without thinking, because he doesn't know how else to describe it. Ian feels wrong, shuttered and masked in a way that's difficult for Nate to articulate. He relinquishes his otherwise steady grip to rest the same hand on Ian's chest, over his ribcage, searching his face with an abrupt confusion.
It takes him a second to pick up on it. Like the time he bandaged Stephen's wounds, stitched him up, and Stephen managed to block off a whole part of himself despite the contact. A wall. Except there it was defined, here it's hazy and full of multitudes rather than a solid barrier.
The effect is avoidance and the instant he defines it recognition streaks across his face like lightning and he looks at Ian in newfound bafflement. ]
It's like jerking off an elevator music cover of The Girl From Ipanema.
[ Nate says without thinking, because he doesn't know how else to describe it. Ian feels wrong, shuttered and masked in a way that's difficult for Nate to articulate. He relinquishes his otherwise steady grip to rest the same hand on Ian's chest, over his ribcage, searching his face with an abrupt confusion.
It takes him a second to pick up on it. Like the time he bandaged Stephen's wounds, stitched him up, and Stephen managed to block off a whole part of himself despite the contact. A wall. Except there it was defined, here it's hazy and full of multitudes rather than a solid barrier.
The effect is avoidance and the instant he defines it recognition streaks across his face like lightning and he looks at Ian in newfound bafflement. ]
It's like jerking off an elevator music cover of The Girl From Ipanema.
( There's a creeping vine of discomfort that starts crawling across his chest when Nate starts searching his face. The low, subconscious notion that he knows what Nate's talking about, he's just trying really hard not to acknowledge it.
And then there's that witty analogy, and a flare of offense-defensiveness-amusementbecauseokayshutupbutstill. )
What is it with you and The Girl From Ipanema?
( Because that's the part he should be fixated on. His own hands drop down a little - not away, just retracting so only his fingertips remain, lightly pressed to either of Nate's sides. )
Why does it feel like that's the fourth time that's come up?
( He's... hedging. Obviously. )
And then there's that witty analogy, and a flare of offense-defensiveness-amusementbecauseokayshutupbutstill. )
What is it with you and The Girl From Ipanema?
( Because that's the part he should be fixated on. His own hands drop down a little - not away, just retracting so only his fingertips remain, lightly pressed to either of Nate's sides. )
Why does it feel like that's the fourth time that's come up?
( He's... hedging. Obviously. )
[ He didn't mean to put Ian on the defensive but did so without even thinking about it. Of course saying something like that is going to raise someone's hackles, it was stupid and lacked perspective and is probably a little selfish in the sense that it's asking for more than what someone is already giving.
Nate's scrutiny softens and he is rapidly becoming aware of how embarrassing it is for him to have noticed in the first place. ]
I'm sorry, it- it just feels weird when you're- it's like there's something in the way.
[ Was it the wrong call? Should he just put on his hideous sparkly jeans and get the fuck out? Jesus. The anxiety at stopping begins to bleed into his face. ]
I liked what you were doing, but you feel like- I don't know, like you're. Somewhere else.
Nate's scrutiny softens and he is rapidly becoming aware of how embarrassing it is for him to have noticed in the first place. ]
I'm sorry, it- it just feels weird when you're- it's like there's something in the way.
[ Was it the wrong call? Should he just put on his hideous sparkly jeans and get the fuck out? Jesus. The anxiety at stopping begins to bleed into his face. ]
I liked what you were doing, but you feel like- I don't know, like you're. Somewhere else.
( Honestly, almost any other reaction might have him doubling down. Accusation, interrogation, he'd probably be retreating even harder into himself.
But no, he's feeling anxiety rolling off of Nate in waves -- it's enough to tug on the guilty strings of his heart, which in turn cracks the door for some of his own anxiety to echo back. )
No, I'm not- it's not... like that.
( He puffs out an exhale. Pulls one hand away to scrub over his beard and then push wet strands of hair back away from his face. )
I'm here, I'm just... trying not to be... too... here. I mean, like- mentally. Wait, no, that's not... I don't mean that how it sounds.
( Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Nailing it. )
But no, he's feeling anxiety rolling off of Nate in waves -- it's enough to tug on the guilty strings of his heart, which in turn cracks the door for some of his own anxiety to echo back. )
No, I'm not- it's not... like that.
( He puffs out an exhale. Pulls one hand away to scrub over his beard and then push wet strands of hair back away from his face. )
I'm here, I'm just... trying not to be... too... here. I mean, like- mentally. Wait, no, that's not... I don't mean that how it sounds.
( Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Nailing it. )
[ Hey, do you want to tell me? Elena would ask, and Nate would either shy away or lean in. Yes or no. It's easy, there are no expectations, and he's had this conversation more times than he can count but never from this side. It was always the other way around, always Nate building walls and watching people from on top of them.
He can't push. He gets it, but he can't push. Knowing how that dissociation feels from the other person's perspective hurts and sucks and he honestly can't believe how many people he knows let him get away with it for as long as he did.
So Nate lightens contact, to avoid taking something he isn't expressly offered. He nods quietly and for a moment the only sound is the spray of the shower while he focuses on Ian's scars. ]
...Where were you?
He can't push. He gets it, but he can't push. Knowing how that dissociation feels from the other person's perspective hurts and sucks and he honestly can't believe how many people he knows let him get away with it for as long as he did.
So Nate lightens contact, to avoid taking something he isn't expressly offered. He nods quietly and for a moment the only sound is the spray of the shower while he focuses on Ian's scars. ]
...Where were you?
( They have a lot of scars between them to talk about.
He feels like a fucking asshole. Drops his hands the rest of the way away, not necessarily because he wants to cut Nate out so much as it's just unconscious instinct to try and reel himself in when he's feeling any one thing too strongly. Guilt, in this case. Self-directed frustration at doing exactly the thing he was trying to avoid doing.
Fuck. )
Ah... ( A beat, while he considers how to answer that question. ) The Aerie. Maybe.
( That might not even be the right answer, it's more complicated. Harder to articulate, and he follows it up with barely a second in between tracks. )
Look, I'm sorry. I am, I'm not... I'm not checked out, or... like, thinking of England. I'm just trying to stay-- the version that doesn't overthink things into the fucking ground and accidentally kill the whole thing. Which... ironically... accidentally killed the whole thing, so it's not you, it's-- oh, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm not even gonna finish that sentence. This, right now, see, this is... a really compelling example of my point, I think.
He feels like a fucking asshole. Drops his hands the rest of the way away, not necessarily because he wants to cut Nate out so much as it's just unconscious instinct to try and reel himself in when he's feeling any one thing too strongly. Guilt, in this case. Self-directed frustration at doing exactly the thing he was trying to avoid doing.
Fuck. )
Ah... ( A beat, while he considers how to answer that question. ) The Aerie. Maybe.
( That might not even be the right answer, it's more complicated. Harder to articulate, and he follows it up with barely a second in between tracks. )
Look, I'm sorry. I am, I'm not... I'm not checked out, or... like, thinking of England. I'm just trying to stay-- the version that doesn't overthink things into the fucking ground and accidentally kill the whole thing. Which... ironically... accidentally killed the whole thing, so it's not you, it's-- oh, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm not even gonna finish that sentence. This, right now, see, this is... a really compelling example of my point, I think.
[ He doesn't reach out again even if he wants it, because mainlining contact and emotion like that is kind of fucked when you're working through some stuff and Nate knows better than to break that kind of boundary no matter how much he wants to hold somebody. It's a long, long moment before he gets an answer to his question and when it comes, it's about what he expected. Nate has struggled with the same thing, rectifying another him, another them, another life. ]
Hey, hey, it's okay.
[ He rushes to reassure him, and it is okay, though Nate wonders how much expectation of the Aerie played into Ian asking him out, deciding to take him on a date, working through intimacy for the sake of trying to acquire something he has once. ]
I guess I...uh. I get it, with the- we had a thing, and it was easy. [ Easy to think about and reflect on. Nate's hands fidget at his sides and he sucks his lower lip into his mouth to worry it with his teeth. ] ..I guess I wanna make sure you're not trying to recreate what was there. A lot of that was me, but...some of it wasn't. I'm different. We're different.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
[ He rushes to reassure him, and it is okay, though Nate wonders how much expectation of the Aerie played into Ian asking him out, deciding to take him on a date, working through intimacy for the sake of trying to acquire something he has once. ]
I guess I...uh. I get it, with the- we had a thing, and it was easy. [ Easy to think about and reflect on. Nate's hands fidget at his sides and he sucks his lower lip into his mouth to worry it with his teeth. ] ..I guess I wanna make sure you're not trying to recreate what was there. A lot of that was me, but...some of it wasn't. I'm different. We're different.
No, no, I know, I'm not.
( It's calmer, quieter, but confident. He shifts, backing out of Nate's space - not to leave but to pivot, pressing his back against the wall and curling his hands around the rail. Shoulder to shoulder instead of chest to chest, so he can breathe out and rest his head against the tile while he fumbles through articulation. )
I know we're different, I've been... kind of keeping that in my head this whole time, trying not to like... I don't know, like cheat on a test? It's not-- that, that I'm trying to be. It's not... who we were that I'm...
( Why the fuck is it so hard to explain this, why doesn't the English language have better terminology for referring to your alternate universe life? )
I'm just-- trying to be who I was because I wasn't a neurotic fucking mess there. Here, I'm pretty sure as soon as we start, I'm gonna... I don't know, feel feelings and freak myself out about feeling feelings, and then feel bad that you can feel me freaking out about feeling feelings, and then wind up feeling feelings about that...
( A breath, an almost-laugh except there's no humor, just kind of a long-suffering self-mockery. )
And I just... really wanted to have sex with you in the shower.
( It's calmer, quieter, but confident. He shifts, backing out of Nate's space - not to leave but to pivot, pressing his back against the wall and curling his hands around the rail. Shoulder to shoulder instead of chest to chest, so he can breathe out and rest his head against the tile while he fumbles through articulation. )
I know we're different, I've been... kind of keeping that in my head this whole time, trying not to like... I don't know, like cheat on a test? It's not-- that, that I'm trying to be. It's not... who we were that I'm...
( Why the fuck is it so hard to explain this, why doesn't the English language have better terminology for referring to your alternate universe life? )
I'm just-- trying to be who I was because I wasn't a neurotic fucking mess there. Here, I'm pretty sure as soon as we start, I'm gonna... I don't know, feel feelings and freak myself out about feeling feelings, and then feel bad that you can feel me freaking out about feeling feelings, and then wind up feeling feelings about that...
( A breath, an almost-laugh except there's no humor, just kind of a long-suffering self-mockery. )
And I just... really wanted to have sex with you in the shower.
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