[ It marches neatly in line with what Ian has told Nate about himself before, it gives more definition to the hesitation he has with regards to intimacy and fills in the blank spaces. Nate wouldn't call himself an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but he knows he's further along and remembers what it took for him to get there. ]
It's not. And you're not wrong for thinking it's shitty, either. I, um. Had a pretty rough time even talking to him, after he got here.
[ As though the wound Nate had finally started stitching up was rent open all over again, spilling him everywhere, until he snapped on a dark night in the dimly-lit bar of Red Wings. Everything fell out while Stephen helplessly listened and knew there was nothing he could offer in return to staunch the flow. Just mild platitudes and a sympathetic squeeze to his shoulder, imploring him to crack now so he wouldn't implode later.
It wasn't half-bad advice. ]
...It's hard to explain how you can love someone and not want to forgive them. Or can't. Or how you forgive them, but may not necessarily trust them. It opens you up to a lot of hurt. And I'm not excusing it, I know that kinda "letting it slide" mentality can breed resentment, but...he spent thirteen years in prison while I was seeing the world. And I- I got to grow, you know? I got to meet people, and know them, and become...someone without him. And he was...stuck.
[ Nate has thought about this for a while, the development Sam was deprived of in a cell, all the lost time, all the years he needed to catch up on. A guy gets out of prison and looks up the kid brother who used to depend on him for everything, and he's doing just fine.
He shifts to set his beer on the table, looping the arm between them up onto the sofa cushions with his fingertips braced on Ian's nape. Nate's tone slows, a little more thoughtful, trying to work out the sentiments left twisted up for too long. ]
I wasn't holding out for him to change so much as I- I had so many opportunities that I fucked up. People I hurt, or left. Relationships I just trashed because they scared the crap out of me. But I had people giving me second, and third, and fourth chances. And I wouldn't be who I am without them. Maybe he would have eventually made that promise, maybe not. But I wasn't gonna not him the chance.
( His mouth twists gently into a sad, understanding smile. )
I definitely know what it's like to love someone and not forgive them. Not quite the same situation, obviously, but that part I know.
( But the expectations, the right and wrong of it, that he's less confident about.
He settles back into the touch just a little, a barely visible recline and pressure on Nate's fingertips. His hand goes from a stationary base and sweeping thumb to a gentle back and forth rub, calloused palm sliding along denim just a few inches and back again. )
And I know prison complicates it all. I mean, your entire... dynamic was complicated, I just...
( Still can't wrap his head around it -- not even necessarily Nate's tolerance of it, but he can't put himself in Sam's mentality. He can't imagine fucking up that bad and expecting a relationship without even pretending to treat something as important as trust and honesty with the appropriate reverence.
But hey, what the fuck does he know? He's not exactly the model of healthy interpersonal relationships.
Plus, it's not his opinion that matters, and not the point. )
I hear a lot of you taking up for him, which is... great, it really is, I love that you're so loyal to him. I just wanna make sure, like... you know you're allowed to feel upset, right? You can know all of this stuff logically and still be allowed to feel hurt. You can definitely be upset that you got this extra time together and he left with you still feeling hurt.
It would be a valid critique of his character, that he has in the past been walked over for it, that it ties into his gullibility. He never thought twice about Googling Hector Alcazar because he knew the name, he knew Sam, and given the trajectory of their lives it sounded plausible.
Ian says his piece and it's valid and Nate knows it, glancing down at the hand on his thigh. Just because Ian has less experience doesn't mean his thoughts have no merit, and maybe Nate would think of this differently without the foundation of all the time he was screwed over in the past, the times he screwed people over in return. ]
I know. I know, I'm not trying to pretend I'm not still angry and...and hurt. I am. [ God, is he ever. He took a ridiculously long walk with Ellie just to get out of his head about it. Softer: ] I just can't hold onto that forever. It'll only hurt more.
( There's another twitch of a smile - or maybe it's just his lips pulling into his cheeks. A beat of silence because he'd be a hypocrite here if he said anything. He's been carrying his anger and hurt for so long, and the likelihood of him actually dealing with it long enough to get past it is slim to none.
He can only gently nod, because the concept seems healthy and right.
He does kind of what to know -- )
So... not holding onto it involves getting into really intense fights?
( Sorry for probing, man, he's just concerned. He can't help but circle back to it. )
Do I need to worry about you winding up with a broken neck or a sudden vendetta against a bald guy named Butch?
[ Another fair point, but without the necessary context of Nate's proclivity toward getting into increasingly dangerous and absurdist situations, it's no wonder Ian thinks trading a few blows qualifies as an extreme hobby. ]
...I think we're going to have to make some adjustments to your impression of what constitutes an "intense" fight, but no, it's- it's more like stress relief that I will try to refrain from more often. Or-
[ He follows up, palm smoothing over the juncture between Ian's neck and shoulder. ]
You come scope it out, feel better about the situation.
( His eyebrows hike higher. They ask you realize that doesn't make it any better right before Nate preemptively answers the question himself, and he finds at least a little measure of humor in the fact that Nate knows him well enough to tack that on. )
Uh-huh...
( He drawls out with muted skepticism. )
Okay, fine. But I'll say it right now, if it looks like you're gonna get your ass kicked I'm not responsible for my actions.
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no subject
It's not. And you're not wrong for thinking it's shitty, either. I, um. Had a pretty rough time even talking to him, after he got here.
[ As though the wound Nate had finally started stitching up was rent open all over again, spilling him everywhere, until he snapped on a dark night in the dimly-lit bar of Red Wings. Everything fell out while Stephen helplessly listened and knew there was nothing he could offer in return to staunch the flow. Just mild platitudes and a sympathetic squeeze to his shoulder, imploring him to crack now so he wouldn't implode later.
It wasn't half-bad advice. ]
...It's hard to explain how you can love someone and not want to forgive them. Or can't. Or how you forgive them, but may not necessarily trust them. It opens you up to a lot of hurt. And I'm not excusing it, I know that kinda "letting it slide" mentality can breed resentment, but...he spent thirteen years in prison while I was seeing the world. And I- I got to grow, you know? I got to meet people, and know them, and become...someone without him. And he was...stuck.
[ Nate has thought about this for a while, the development Sam was deprived of in a cell, all the lost time, all the years he needed to catch up on. A guy gets out of prison and looks up the kid brother who used to depend on him for everything, and he's doing just fine.
He shifts to set his beer on the table, looping the arm between them up onto the sofa cushions with his fingertips braced on Ian's nape. Nate's tone slows, a little more thoughtful, trying to work out the sentiments left twisted up for too long. ]
I wasn't holding out for him to change so much as I- I had so many opportunities that I fucked up. People I hurt, or left. Relationships I just trashed because they scared the crap out of me. But I had people giving me second, and third, and fourth chances. And I wouldn't be who I am without them. Maybe he would have eventually made that promise, maybe not. But I wasn't gonna not him the chance.
no subject
I definitely know what it's like to love someone and not forgive them. Not quite the same situation, obviously, but that part I know.
( But the expectations, the right and wrong of it, that he's less confident about.
He settles back into the touch just a little, a barely visible recline and pressure on Nate's fingertips. His hand goes from a stationary base and sweeping thumb to a gentle back and forth rub, calloused palm sliding along denim just a few inches and back again. )
And I know prison complicates it all. I mean, your entire... dynamic was complicated, I just...
( Still can't wrap his head around it -- not even necessarily Nate's tolerance of it, but he can't put himself in Sam's mentality. He can't imagine fucking up that bad and expecting a relationship without even pretending to treat something as important as trust and honesty with the appropriate reverence.
But hey, what the fuck does he know? He's not exactly the model of healthy interpersonal relationships.
Plus, it's not his opinion that matters, and not the point. )
I hear a lot of you taking up for him, which is... great, it really is, I love that you're so loyal to him. I just wanna make sure, like... you know you're allowed to feel upset, right? You can know all of this stuff logically and still be allowed to feel hurt. You can definitely be upset that you got this extra time together and he left with you still feeling hurt.
no subject
It would be a valid critique of his character, that he has in the past been walked over for it, that it ties into his gullibility. He never thought twice about Googling Hector Alcazar because he knew the name, he knew Sam, and given the trajectory of their lives it sounded plausible.
Ian says his piece and it's valid and Nate knows it, glancing down at the hand on his thigh. Just because Ian has less experience doesn't mean his thoughts have no merit, and maybe Nate would think of this differently without the foundation of all the time he was screwed over in the past, the times he screwed people over in return. ]
I know. I know, I'm not trying to pretend I'm not still angry and...and hurt. I am. [ God, is he ever. He took a ridiculously long walk with Ellie just to get out of his head about it. Softer: ] I just can't hold onto that forever. It'll only hurt more.
no subject
He can only gently nod, because the concept seems healthy and right.
He does kind of what to know -- )
So... not holding onto it involves getting into really intense fights?
( Sorry for probing, man, he's just concerned. He can't help but circle back to it. )
Do I need to worry about you winding up with a broken neck or a sudden vendetta against a bald guy named Butch?
no subject
...I think we're going to have to make some adjustments to your impression of what constitutes an "intense" fight, but no, it's- it's more like stress relief that I will try to refrain from more often. Or-
[ He follows up, palm smoothing over the juncture between Ian's neck and shoulder. ]
You come scope it out, feel better about the situation.
no subject
Little does he know.
A little concern muddles with amusement as it flits through the bond beneath Nate's hand. )
You think watching you get punched in the face first-hand is gonna make me feel better?
no subject
[ Nate insists, as though this is helpful information and not at all mildly concerning in any way, shape or form. ]
I know how it sounds. But I'm pretty good at it, and I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think you wouldn't get something out of it.
no subject
Uh-huh...
( He drawls out with muted skepticism. )
Okay, fine. But I'll say it right now, if it looks like you're gonna get your ass kicked I'm not responsible for my actions.