[ What the fuck is it about Wade that every time he tries to do something nice Nate instinctively wants to recoil? The man makes breakfast, invites him out for some post-simulation beers, tries to ask if he's okay, and all Nate wants to do is crawl under a rock for being the asshole who can't accept an outstretched hand. He can bandage people up with skin to skin contact, he's done so multiple times now, but those were situations he could largely control.
When he's this tired, he doesn't know what might push through. ]
Look, I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate the gesture.
[ He doesn't mean to loosely dodge attempts at being known, but at this point in his life old habits die hard. Nate owes Wade more than excuses about how bad he is at talking about anything that isn't first filtered through a set of jokes. Even then, he can't speak directly to the issue at hand, maneuvering through experience as a proxy. ]
...When I was in Hadriel I led this expedition out across the tundra to find these old outpost bunkers. We were trying to get information on the hive mind that built them and thought they'd be research facilities. [ He sucks his lip between his teeth and worries it for a moment. ] Turns out they were labs. Container after container after container of bodies of the city's previous residents, stockpiles of chemical supplies and surgical implements, video files of "tests." There were dozens of them. I watched them so nobody else in the group had to, in case something we needed was buried in the data.
[ His jaw tightens and he finally turns to look at Wade, fixing him with a hallowed, firm stare. ]
I had sympathy for them. The test subjects. But I didn't know what it was like.
[The look Nate gives him. It pierces through Wade's chest; leaves him feeling like he's unable to breathe for a split second. He's seen that look before in the past-- the haunted, deadened look of someone who's experienced horrors beyond human imagining. A look he's most likely worn before, underneath his carefully-woven defenses of irreverent humor and devil-may-care posturing.
After a few agonizing seconds of being held in place by Nate's gaze, Wade manages to turn back to the view of the city's skyline. His chest rises and falls in a sigh.]
Yeah. I know. You feel bad for people in situations like that, but it's hard to understand unless you've lived through it. It's... not something most people should live through, honestly.
[ He's grateful he doesn't have to explain further, not because he's incapable of it, but because it's a hair too far down the emotional intimacy scale and he isn't entirely sure he's ready to have that with anyone in this place. Not when he's going to lose them all the same way he lost everyone in Hadriel.
It's not a matter of if, but when. ]
...yeah.
[ His gaze drops back to his thumbs, still scratching the label off of the bottle. ]
[That... came out more bitter than he was expecting, and in chagrin he stoppers his disloyal mouth with another slow swig of beer. He doesn't know why he should feel so hurt that Nate isn't sharing more with him-- shallow, superficial friendships are what he's used to; what he's most comfortable with. Anything deeper than that is too dangerous; too uncontrollable.
And yet. And yet.
Wade's chest rises and falls in a sigh.]
Look, I meant what I said. You don't wanna talk about it, an' that's fine. I ain't gonna pry. Not like I've never kept things close to the vest.
[He suddenly turns to catch Nate's eye again, his expression decidedly forthright and candid despite his obvious apprehension.]
But... uh. In the future, if you ever decide you, y'know... can't take it? Don't forget that I'm only a room away, okay?
[The words feel odd in his mouth-- he's not used to offering to be the guy who listens to people's problems. But it's the least he can do for someone who's put up with him for this long, right?]
[ There's a harshness to that statement and Nate feels guilty again for functioning the way that he always does: pretending things are fine for his own safety, and the sanity of others. No one needs to know. He can't even say it, and what is he supposed to put to words, anyway? Yeah, I was tortured multiple times and it was fucking terrifying and it hurt and I don't want to do it again, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant someone else didn't have to.
That'll go over really well, Nathan Drake is so adjusted.
Wade is only a room away and Nate wishes it were so easy to walk over, knock on the jamb, and ask to sit for a little while as though things were perfectly normal and not one crisis after the other. It would be nice, to be in company. It would be nicer still if he wasn't convinced that doing so would taint this otherwise pleasant thing they have going. ]
I'm not good at this. [ He admits, expression open and candid. ] Sharing, I mean. It's not you. I promise it's not you.
[There's that urge again-- the urge to just shut down; to emotionally distance himself from the conversation with a poorly-timed joke or sarcastic remark. Shallow humor has been his shield for so long that he has no idea how to deal with someone being real with him, and that in itself has something strangely funny about it. Hypocrite, a cynical, familiar voice tells him from the dark recesses of his mind, offering support when you're standing in quicksand yourself.
Wade huffs out another laugh, tearing his eyes away from Nate's. It's suddenly become too much too look at his face.]
Well, I mean... I'm not really good at this whole empathy thing either, y'know? A-And I ain't just talking about the weird bond thing we've all got now, apparently. So I guess in a way we're... y'know. Even.
[He almost ends it there, but something in him compels him to share more; to give Nate something in exchange for his own candor.]
I meant what I said before, you know. About this not being my first time. Those guys who get off on suffering that I was talking about earlier? I, uh... kinda have firsthand experience. Though you probably already figured that out by now.
[He takes another gulp of beer, feeling the familiar warm dullness spreading over his brain, more quickly than it would have if his healing factor was still in working order. Good. He's gonna need to be a little dull for this conversation.]
[ Even. He hates how that sounds, like it's supposed to be some kind of shitty exchange where they trade information because it's proper, not because it's warranted or earned. Nate doesn't need even. He doesn't know what he needs, but it's not that. He doesn't need Wade to share his own trauma if it comes at the cost of reliving it.
He's not a sociopath, for Chrissakes. ]
You don't have to tell me.
[ Nate assures him, expression openly, unabashedly vulnerable. It isn't a simple matter to divulge anything of this nature and to that end he sure as Hell doesn't want somebody else to go through the mental wringer in an attempt to make him feel better. That serves no one. ]
Seriously. You don't have to dredge stuff up just 'cause I'm a piece of shit.
[He's being so careful about it, engaging in self-deprecation to spare Wade's feelings, but Wade knows a dismissal when he hears one. He's heard this same song and dance before, in the rare moments when he mistakenly let the mask slip just a little bit; when he read too much into things and got just a little too real.
You don't have to tell me.
Let's not make this into something more than it is.
We're fine where we're at.
Wade laughs again, more as a way to fill the silence than any feeling of mirth, feeling his neck muscles ache with the strain of not looking at Nate; of showing him the emotion that he knows is plastered quite starkly on his face.]
I mean... pretty sure Mr. Roboto's Surgical Funhouse got there first, but whatever.
[He puts the half-full bottle to his lips again. It comes away completely drained, and he sets it down beside him with a clink and a gusty, breathless sigh.]
It's a nice night though, huh?
[Someone please just close the curtain. He's forgotten his lines.]
[ It's the sudden bitterness that really feels like a slap in the face. Like he's made a mistake in offering clemency, in suggesting that Wade shouldn't feel obligated to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable just because he thinks it might help Nate in some way. A sharp, ragged laugh and Wade turns away, back to the precipice that Nate suddenly feels is more inviting than the company that was trying so hard to be a balm on his evening.
He fucked up. ]
Yeah. [ Nate's voice is scratchy, and he watches the neon signs across the way flicker to life. ] It is.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
When he's this tired, he doesn't know what might push through. ]
Look, I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate the gesture.
[ He doesn't mean to loosely dodge attempts at being known, but at this point in his life old habits die hard. Nate owes Wade more than excuses about how bad he is at talking about anything that isn't first filtered through a set of jokes. Even then, he can't speak directly to the issue at hand, maneuvering through experience as a proxy. ]
...When I was in Hadriel I led this expedition out across the tundra to find these old outpost bunkers. We were trying to get information on the hive mind that built them and thought they'd be research facilities. [ He sucks his lip between his teeth and worries it for a moment. ] Turns out they were labs. Container after container after container of bodies of the city's previous residents, stockpiles of chemical supplies and surgical implements, video files of "tests." There were dozens of them. I watched them so nobody else in the group had to, in case something we needed was buried in the data.
[ His jaw tightens and he finally turns to look at Wade, fixing him with a hallowed, firm stare. ]
I had sympathy for them. The test subjects. But I didn't know what it was like.
no subject
After a few agonizing seconds of being held in place by Nate's gaze, Wade manages to turn back to the view of the city's skyline. His chest rises and falls in a sigh.]
Yeah. I know. You feel bad for people in situations like that, but it's hard to understand unless you've lived through it. It's... not something most people should live through, honestly.
[Least of all someone like you.]
no subject
It's not a matter of if, but when. ]
...yeah.
[ His gaze drops back to his thumbs, still scratching the label off of the bottle. ]
Yeah. But I can take it.
no subject
[That... came out more bitter than he was expecting, and in chagrin he stoppers his disloyal mouth with another slow swig of beer. He doesn't know why he should feel so hurt that Nate isn't sharing more with him-- shallow, superficial friendships are what he's used to; what he's most comfortable with. Anything deeper than that is too dangerous; too uncontrollable.
And yet. And yet.
Wade's chest rises and falls in a sigh.]
Look, I meant what I said. You don't wanna talk about it, an' that's fine. I ain't gonna pry. Not like I've never kept things close to the vest.
[He suddenly turns to catch Nate's eye again, his expression decidedly forthright and candid despite his obvious apprehension.]
But... uh. In the future, if you ever decide you, y'know... can't take it? Don't forget that I'm only a room away, okay?
[The words feel odd in his mouth-- he's not used to offering to be the guy who listens to people's problems. But it's the least he can do for someone who's put up with him for this long, right?]
no subject
That'll go over really well, Nathan Drake is so adjusted.
Wade is only a room away and Nate wishes it were so easy to walk over, knock on the jamb, and ask to sit for a little while as though things were perfectly normal and not one crisis after the other. It would be nice, to be in company. It would be nicer still if he wasn't convinced that doing so would taint this otherwise pleasant thing they have going. ]
I'm not good at this. [ He admits, expression open and candid. ] Sharing, I mean. It's not you. I promise it's not you.
no subject
Wade huffs out another laugh, tearing his eyes away from Nate's. It's suddenly become too much too look at his face.]
Well, I mean... I'm not really good at this whole empathy thing either, y'know? A-And I ain't just talking about the weird bond thing we've all got now, apparently. So I guess in a way we're... y'know. Even.
[He almost ends it there, but something in him compels him to share more; to give Nate something in exchange for his own candor.]
I meant what I said before, you know. About this not being my first time. Those guys who get off on suffering that I was talking about earlier? I, uh... kinda have firsthand experience. Though you probably already figured that out by now.
[He takes another gulp of beer, feeling the familiar warm dullness spreading over his brain, more quickly than it would have if his healing factor was still in working order. Good. He's gonna need to be a little dull for this conversation.]
no subject
He's not a sociopath, for Chrissakes. ]
You don't have to tell me.
[ Nate assures him, expression openly, unabashedly vulnerable. It isn't a simple matter to divulge anything of this nature and to that end he sure as Hell doesn't want somebody else to go through the mental wringer in an attempt to make him feel better. That serves no one. ]
Seriously. You don't have to dredge stuff up just 'cause I'm a piece of shit.
no subject
You don't have to tell me.
Let's not make this into something more than it is.
We're fine where we're at.
Wade laughs again, more as a way to fill the silence than any feeling of mirth, feeling his neck muscles ache with the strain of not looking at Nate; of showing him the emotion that he knows is plastered quite starkly on his face.]
I mean... pretty sure Mr. Roboto's Surgical Funhouse got there first, but whatever.
[He puts the half-full bottle to his lips again. It comes away completely drained, and he sets it down beside him with a clink and a gusty, breathless sigh.]
It's a nice night though, huh?
[Someone please just close the curtain. He's forgotten his lines.]
no subject
He fucked up. ]
Yeah. [ Nate's voice is scratchy, and he watches the neon signs across the way flicker to life. ] It is.