[It isn't unexpected that Nate might take some guesses in order to try to prompt conversation along, but also show that he understands, and that's something Lance appreciates. As much as Lance is closed off about so many things, and he doesn't want to add to others' worries, there's something deeply reassuring about being reminded that the people he cares about care in return.
So, after the questions, his gaze flickers toward Nate briefly before turning toward a rabbit that has taken shelter under a bench, chewing on something and twitching its little rabbit nose. Watching it is a nice distraction as Lance answers.]
That's part of it, yeah.
[And Nate's very right to assume it bothers him, because it very much does. But that's less because what it is, and more because of how it makes him feel, and what feeling that way reminds him of.
But how to say that, and how to start saying it, is so difficult. There's silence several seconds as he goes over a few possibilities, plays out different scenarios in his head, and tries to gather the will to talk about something he never talks about; at the moment, it isn't so much his usual emotional response stopping him, but just sheer exhaustion.
Still, finally, he begins.]
You know, um, I... I nearly died, when I was six. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time, which wasn't difficult to do, and my foster father lost it; it's not like that was weird--it happened basically every day--but this time it was just... Worse.
[He doesn't care to go into further explanation about how, both because he doesn't want to and it isn't necessary. Nate knows him well enough to get the idea when he understates things, and that particular incident isn't actually the point anyway; it's that it was such a constantly dangerous, terrifying situation, and what it's like to live that way.
So he's quiet again for another few moments, still not looking at Nate, before finally putting that into words as well.]
After all this time I thought I was past having to be so constantly careful about everything I did and said, but then the conspiracy happened at home, and then I ended up in Hadriel, and now I'm here.
[And so although it's certainly not the same situation, for years now there's still been that sense of living constantly in fear. That would be bad enough on its own, but with everything else that happened, it just feels like he's gone full circle and that's such an innately horrifying thought he can't really allow himself to consider it for too long.]
cw from here on for discussion of child abuse
So, after the questions, his gaze flickers toward Nate briefly before turning toward a rabbit that has taken shelter under a bench, chewing on something and twitching its little rabbit nose. Watching it is a nice distraction as Lance answers.]
That's part of it, yeah.
[And Nate's very right to assume it bothers him, because it very much does. But that's less because what it is, and more because of how it makes him feel, and what feeling that way reminds him of.
But how to say that, and how to start saying it, is so difficult. There's silence several seconds as he goes over a few possibilities, plays out different scenarios in his head, and tries to gather the will to talk about something he never talks about; at the moment, it isn't so much his usual emotional response stopping him, but just sheer exhaustion.
Still, finally, he begins.]
You know, um, I... I nearly died, when I was six. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time, which wasn't difficult to do, and my foster father lost it; it's not like that was weird--it happened basically every day--but this time it was just... Worse.
[He doesn't care to go into further explanation about how, both because he doesn't want to and it isn't necessary. Nate knows him well enough to get the idea when he understates things, and that particular incident isn't actually the point anyway; it's that it was such a constantly dangerous, terrifying situation, and what it's like to live that way.
So he's quiet again for another few moments, still not looking at Nate, before finally putting that into words as well.]
After all this time I thought I was past having to be so constantly careful about everything I did and said, but then the conspiracy happened at home, and then I ended up in Hadriel, and now I'm here.
[And so although it's certainly not the same situation, for years now there's still been that sense of living constantly in fear. That would be bad enough on its own, but with everything else that happened, it just feels like he's gone full circle and that's such an innately horrifying thought he can't really allow himself to consider it for too long.]